stuck, don't want to grow up

I some times feel that I am stuck at some age, probably as a teenager, enjoying every moment of life as its comes and not worrying about the consequence of things that I do. This may seem a little immature at times, it does to me too :). But then I just don't want waste time thinking of the responsibilities that I currently have and that I'll have in future, it actually freaks me out. So I avoid thinking of the responsibility. The sense of responsibility can be overwhelming at times. Now there should be a balancing agent that makes sure that what I do in my life with out the sense of responsibility will not be bad too, so I rely on my gut to decide what seems to be the most appropriate thing to do at that point in time without thinking too much into the future and not thinking about the responsibilities and stuff.

This approach seems to work most of the time, but the rest of the time, you can say I screwed up. But this makes me feel that I am free and the sense of freedom is one that you should never give up. Each moment that you send forcing yourself to do something because you think its expected of you, I think you are kill a part of you. An essential part that makes you feel alive, without which you start to feel that you are not in control of your life and you can't enjoy the smaller joys in life. And screwing up at times in necessary to appreciate the good work you do. Its relative :). And every screw up teaches me a lesson, it may be something that I had read or heard before, but there is difference between knowing and understanding. When I screw up and learn my lesson I am understanding and not just knowing.

The smaller joys in life play a very important part. You may win an Olympic medal or get a big promotion or get a very good hike but none of that, according to me, can beat the 1 hour u spend talking to a real close friend about something that is close to your hearts. Its just a wonderful experience to do things that you love, it may be a simple walk to your home from work, ride a horse, gaze upon the beautiful night sky, have cup of coffee or watch a movie with a friend, spend an evening with your family talking about your childhood, this list is almost endless. It could be anything that makes you feel not just good but great or even grand.

I was career oriented when I was at college and initial few years of my career as a software engineer. Those were the year I worked quite hard and was unhappy with myself because I wasn't who I wanted to be or who I thought I should be. But then I met this friend who showed me that the smaller joys in life are more important than achieving bigger things in life. I am not saying that having a goal and working towards it is a waste, no. I am just saying that you shouldn't get so involved into working towards the goals that you forget who you are and forget the smaller joys. New goals will keep coming, because we humans can never be satisfied and always want something more. But a wonderful moment once lost is lost forever. I suggest the everyone who reads this blog watches the movie "Click". Its a movie that show exactly this and it put in a way that is the best, i think.

The basic idea is simple, its just that I don't want to grow up or take the pressure or responsibility or waste time thinking about what I should have done but I want to enjoy every moment of my life to the maximum extent. So that on my death bed when I look back at my life, I can say "that's one life well wasted :)".